Bear Left!

Dan Quayle: Every Day is Groundhog Day
Paul Corrigan

Former Vice President Dan Quayle recently spoke at a conference organized by the Interreligious and International Federation for World Peace, a group organized by Rev. Sun Myung Moon, founder of the Unification Church. Quayle defended American foreign policy in Iraq and the Middle East against charges that it played a role in provoking terrorist attacks. Quayle also spoke in support of religious tolerance. He reportedly went into a diatribe against a monolithic Hollywood for never portraying the American military, religion, or the family in a positive way. According to Dan's logic, America would have fewer enemies if Hollywood had more PAX television and less Oliver Stone.

It appears that Quayle still blames Hollywood for most of America's ills, domestic and foreign. Dan's blanket statements ring hollow. Even the most casual observer of Hollywood knows that the film industry has been pumping out movies that praise the military (Saving Private Ryan, Band of Brothers). Republicans loved the 1997 movie Wag the Dog, and were quick to use its theme to charge President Clinton with bombing Milosevic in order to deflect attention from their moral crusade to remove him from office. They attacked Clinton's motives again when he approved Defense Secretary Cohen's recommendation to carry out air strikes against bin Laden in Sudan. It did not matter that Cohen was a Republican. Trent Lott announced that Americans could support the troops without supporting the president. The Republicans who slandered Clinton are now demanding that moderate Americans give President Bush their unwavering allegiance. In further hypocrisy, the Republican right, even members of the Executive Branch, feels free to lobby for an expansion of the war into Iraq.

Dan also seems to forget that the Republican Party's patron saint, Ronald Reagan, was a product of Hollywood. Other Republican politicians with Hollywood roots include Senator Fred Thompson from Tennessee, former Iowa Representative Fred Grandy, and former California Representative Sonny Bono. Imagine if Quayle went from being a politician to being an actor. After losing to Clinton and Gore, Dan would have been perfect for a number of Hollywood roles. I can see Quayle sitting on stage at the "Actor's Studio" discussing his film career with James Lipton.

• Groundhog Day II (1993)—Quayle plays a Republican politician in Washington, D.C. who says and does the same thing every day in his own cynical self-interest.
• Forrest Gump (1994)—I never could believe Tom Hanks was intellectually slow. Quayle would have been much more believable in the lead role.
• Quiz Show (1994)—You spell potato and I spell potatoe...talk about a contestant who needs the answers in advance.
• Braveheart (1995)—Sorry, my mistake. I forgot that Dan was a chicken hawk.
• Clueless (1995)—Why does it always have to be a dumb blonde?
• To Die For II (1995)—Dan Quayle in a remake of the role made famous by Nicole Kidman.
• Fargo (1996)—Quayle in the role played by William H. Macy: "You Betcha!"
• Boogie Nights (1997)—Dan "The Weapon" Quayle as Dirk Diggler and Ann Coulter as Roller Girl. Danny, show us that "Full Monty"!
• Good Bill Hunting (1998)—A spoof in the tradition of The Producers written by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Quayle plays Congressman Bob Barr believing the film is a tribute to the House Managers.
• Saving Private Quayle (1998)—Sorry, my mistake again...
• There's Something About Danny (1998)—The Farrelly brothers pit Linda Tripp and Andrew Sullivan in a war for Dan's affection.
• Being Dan Quayle (1999)—Americans go kicking and screaming into portal to a deep, dark, empty space.
• Mind Wide Shut (1999)—"Kubrick's haunting final masterpiece"...Quayle goes on an intellectual bender after discovering that his wife has independent thoughts.
• The Sixth Sense (1999)—Eleven year-old Haley Joel Osment, who plays a young boy with secretive psychic powers, scares the daylights out of audience when he reveals in a hushed voice: "I see Republicans."
• Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Defense (1999)—Set twelve years before the DUBYA episode in the series, Quayle plays a young apprentice to the first President Bush who will grow into the not-so-wise old warrior who advises George Bush II to nuke the newest "Evil Empire."